Satire Saturday | England’s ‘sweet’ cricketing welcome

That is the brilliance of the country, ever-welcoming the people who land there after a long-flight from across the globe. Right from the moment you step out in the glorious country, all you can ever do is marvel at its brilliant infrastructure, look around its crazy buses and the remarkable roads it has to offer. If you are a foodie, what better than landing in the country, which has to offer you fish and chips. Well, if you aren’t a fan of the fish and chips, there is surely the ‘mayonnaise’ that you would not find anywhere else in the world. 

You don’t even have to look too far, just a glance of the game last week would tell you more than a tale. This Pakistan team when last they were away on a tour was trashed (in light terms) against Australia Down Under. In that series, there was indeed the hype for the Pakistan pace attack, including the youngster Naseem Shah but never for their performance. A walking duck-like David Warner the previous series turned into a monster and what not. 

On top of that, even look at how cricket matches are considered in those countries, more of a festival than a sporting event, with them having a very laid-back approach. That has to point down to one factor, not cricket but rather the hope on their home team. An Indian fan could never fathom the fact that an away team can come to India and walk off with a victory. Imagine if you are watching a game in England, with a gentleman-like spirit and suited well, in burgundy and all the royal colours possible to witness the sheer nail-biters and whatnot! 

In terms of the pitch offering something, it has something or the other on offer for batsmen, pacers and even the spinners. Last year, in the Ashes, Jack Leach and Nathan Lyon put on a show in England where the conditions are always seamer-friendly. For the batsmen, look at how the pitches have revitalised Steve Smith’s Test comeback, Marnus Labuschagne’s marvellous re-start to his career and of-course, Ben Stokes who has always excelled in home conditions. All of that because of the pitch, as the first two days have often been terribly kind to the batsmen, so much so they all have a pretty impressive number in the country. 

But just imagine, it has all been possible not because just the pitch and the opponent but also because of the team - England. England, over the years, has regressed from Ashley Giles to Jack Leach, Andrew Flintoff to Chris Woakes and from a 20-year-old Anderson to a 36-year-old Anderson, who is on his last leg. In terms of batsmen, it is all clear in front of your eyes, from Andrew Strauss and Alastair Cook opening the batting, with over 20,000 runs between them in the longest format to Dominic Sibley and Rory Burns, who have under 10% of the runs that they scored. In terms of captaincy, they have fallen from a Michael Vaughan to a Joe Root, with Cook walking in between two eras. 

The entire team’s Test match experience is less than the two openers combined if you take Stuart Broad and James Anderson out of the equation. A mediocre team masqueraded as one of the world’s best sides, at home apparently, all because of their aged-pacers. Remove them out of the equation, you can see the results immediately - with West Indies winning at Rose Bowl with relative ease, they didn’t have to do as much as England. All that was needed from them was to press the self-destruct button and Jermaine Blackwood had to be himself to bail out Windies.