IPL 2020 | Why your team sucks - Chennai Super Kings

09/19/2020

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For someone who was branded as an MS Dhoni fan all his life, it might seem totally odd that I am writing this column. But hey, CSK fans - a question for you - do you really think you deserve anything other than a proper bashing for supporting a team that doesn't know how to play attractive cricket?

As if filling the side with men who require a clutch to walk is not enough, you brought in that over-enthusiastic Imran Tahir to the line-up who somehow picks a lot of wickets but celebrates like he was just rescued from the zoo. After all, your franchise is nothing more than a zoo, run by an arrogant master who wants to control every single manoeuvre. I am sick of MS Dhoni now.

Your team: Chennai Boring Kings

Your 2019 Record

NINE WINS AND FIVE LOSSES, all you could get is a 'choke.'

I mean seriously, that’s a given. You guys choked again as if you are New Zealand’s stepbrother. Losing to Mumbai Indians and then losing the bragging rights in the process thanks to a last-ball choke was actually a damning indictment of what your franchise - most of the players don’t have brains and just function like a machine. Remember those boringly shocking games when you would dismiss teams under 100 and celebrate a victory. That is pure selfish cricket just for the sake of it but who am I talking to? Your stupid fans just don’t understand despite being exploited from their pocket to see a Kedar Jadhav batting with a 90 Strike Rate.

But what about those one-run losses, man! Teams lose it once, but how on earth have you lost twice by a margin of one run? That too, one against RCB? C’mon - you got to kidding me that your so-called “Thala”, who messes around with the likes of Umesh Yadav and Mohammed Siraj on regular days, failed to take you over the line. Get a life, people, and bring in a more commitment-oriented guy who plays cricket like the way it should have been.

Your coach: Stephen Fleming

The world might forget the footnote that the Coronavirus will leave behind but I will never forgive this man for making that ridiculous statement two years ago when he said he didn’t care if Indian cricket is being benefited from the team and he only cares about CSK winning the title. Get yourself treated, you selfish piece of s***. For god sake, your franchise had created the persona of everything being influenced by money and still, you want to glorify that. C’mon people, you deserve better.

Your MVP: MS Dhoni

If after 13 years of international T20 career, MS Dhoni can end up with TWO glorious 50s in his career, you know, you tend to doubt his credentials. But who the eff cares? He will don a willow and bash some ‘nobodies’ so that his fanbois will take Twitter by storm. The only good thing about MSD last year was that he didn’t give the fake impression that he could bash better bowlers like Rashid Khan because as long as you have the likes of Jaydev Unadkat, Umesh Yadav and Axar Patel playing in the league, you are guaranteed to get those freebies.

It is a shame that Dhoni, the same old man who was scampering for runs in the last World Cup and failing almost every single time, was your highest run-scorer with some dumb*** Suresh Raina and Shane Watson behind him. If that is not enough of a meltdown, I don’t know what is. You better do your stuff your own way.

What’s new that sucks

Who in their right mind chases Piyush Chawla, of all people? The only time Chawla is of some worth is the swagger with which he walks out to bat but you shell out over 6 crore to bowl him the same stuff that my younger brother basically does in the backyard? NO WAY. If you could have spent that amount, you should have bought a new sports car for Kedar Jadhav, he might have bowled leg-spin too and fill in as a chucker at times?

I also saw you being over-enthusiastic for Josh Hazlewood who you ultimately bought for 2 crore. The fact that Hazlewood is an absolute naughts in T20s and have played only eight of them for his country didn’t convince you shows how big your egos are. Basically you expect the guy who just bowled full-length away-swingers in the last limited-overs series, like it was a Test match in Old Trafford, will bowl you to win in the UAE conditions. Dumbass.

What always sucked

That boy named Shardul Thakur is still in your team? Well, MS Dhoni, I have a question for you, what do you really think of yourself? Some sort of messiah who is out there to change the perception of T20 cricket as a whole? When Kings XI Punjab bought him first four seasons ago, they regretted the decision much that Shardul was left fending for himself by playing some random club match in Mumbai at the time of IPL. He was fuming on Twitter but you did one better by making him your go-to death bowler.

MS, I am glad you lost the last final because of that man’s inability to run a double. It is not just the loss bro, it is your ego that is defying the chaos of the team. Ego to run in two when it is not there at all and your over-estimation of Shardul eventually fell flat on your face. If Ravindra Jadeja joins the race and by mistake, scores a half-century in the process, you know the cringe he will bring to our Television sets with that sword celebration. So if you truly believe in equanimity, get the record straight and give Jadeja a dressing down in advance. Hand in a bottle of Johnny Walker if he insists, but please, stop the cringe.

What might not suck

I would actually want to say that your fans won’t suck - because they won’t be there to peddle cringe on the stands - but then I am reminded of Kolkata Knight Riders who are no less salty. But what about that virginal sweet boy from Surrey, Sam Curran. Whenever he has the seed in hand, he tends to do something spectacular and the accumulative success a left-arm pacer has over the year might keep you in a good note. But that is all about it.